Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
They took my balls.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
there is another microwave in the elevator.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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