well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
