Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize