apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
did you just send me my own nude
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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