life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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