matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
