My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
