Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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