The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
