Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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