Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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