Well douche your snatch and let's go!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
