I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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