He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
