I wish I could punch you in the face.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You need Xanax blowdarts
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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