wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
