just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
