Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
