Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I CAN MOONWALK!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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