Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
