i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My cat gives me a boner
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
