dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
