her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
