his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
