i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
