you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
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