I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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