I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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