I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
