return my video game
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
