i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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