dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
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We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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