both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
