dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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