I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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