Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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