$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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