just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
