I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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