there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
