Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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