There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
well you can't waste a boner
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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