Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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