Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
