I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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