i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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