no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
