I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
