I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
