ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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