dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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