I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I still have a little drunk in my system
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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