i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
not ubering you a puppy
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
