Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
