Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm sobbing to NWA
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
