everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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